229 - If you could get anyone drunk, who would it be and what would you do?

I've already seen Jude drunk enough times in my life, trust me. It's gotten old. Well, not old. That's not the right words for it. Because I assure you, a drunk Limey is hilarity at its finest. He slurs all his words together and giggles like a freaking school girl, and if I had a nickel for every time the guy felt someone up while he was totally trashed, I would make Hugh Hefner look like the Bush League, financially. But all's fair enough to say I've seen Judy drunk enough times to satisfy me. ...Okay, no, even that's a lie, it's still hilarious to watch and I'll totally ply the guy with drinks later.

But if I could get anyone drunk? Anyone? Who am I to pick anybody but the sexy Sadie herself?

No, no, hear me out.

Okay, so I've seen Sadie sloshed, yeah? A little thoroughly, I will say. But the girl knows how to hold her liquor. I never see her past the beginnings of bubbles. Or I might have, but I was out like a light way before she got to that point. But how awesome would it be to be held witness to that?

I bet her accent gets stronger. Do you bet her accent gets stronger? I do. I bet she gets all crazy Texan and eats children.

Or maybe she's a wicked horndog and she'll jump my skinny-ass bones.

Or maybe she'll just pass out and I'll have to end up mopping up her puke later.

Ah, whatever. It's entertainment, I wanna see it, dammit. Give a veteran his wish, huh?

Fuck it, I'll just go throw a few fifths at Judy again and watch him stumble around some more.

Muse: Max Carrigan
Fandom: Across the Universe
Word Count: 281

[Locked from Lucy and Jude]

97. TEN things you cannot stand about your partner/best friend/sibling.

[01] Minty breath. What's with always with the minty breath?
[02] She doesn't pick up her laundry behind her half the time and then who has to put it in the hamper? Taxi man does, is who.
[03] She can eat anything and never get that weirdo stomach pudge thing, what's up with that? Judy can do that too, and freaking Pru.
[04] She ate the last of the cereal.
[05] She's always been the damn perfect kid - 'be more like your sister', 'why don't you do what Lucy does?', 'Lucy has good grades', 'Lucy cleaned her room', 'Lucy blah blah blah'. ...Just kinda get sick of it sometimes.
[06] She takes up all my best friend's time. That shouldn't bother me as much as it does.
[07] Her hair's too blonde.
[08] Her eyes are too blue.
[09] Her A's are too... plus-y.
[10] She's just too Lucy sometimes. You know? I love the kid, but.

94. TEN vices you have.

(01) Twinkies. Who doesn't?
(02) Cigarettes. Almost... two packs a fucking day now.
(03) Beer. The good ol', watery, all American crap.
(04) Endorphins! Guess how they're released? Ho yeah.
(05) Music. Specifically rock would be awesome, but I'm not gonna be too picky. Long as it isn't any of that bubblegum crap.
(06) Okay, I'm kind of a pothead. Stuff cools you out, man.
(07) Caffeine. You try sitting in bumper to bumper traffic for three hours when you haven't had your coffee fix.
(08) Whiskey. For, you know, when number three ain't gonna cut it.
(09) Something to maybe get rid of some of those shakes you get, coming outta those vet hospitals
(10) Is it weird to call your best friend a vice?

Name three things that you're looking forward to in the near future and why.

Christ, narrow a guy down to three things? I could go on for days. There's a hell of a lot a fellow can start looking forward to when he's stuck behind three fucking blocks of bumper-to-bumper traffic, some guy in the back seat who can't even speak English but you can just tell, sometimes, just by the fucking tones, that they're bitching about being late to... wherever.

So a new job, would be the first thing, I think, on that matter. So far as near future, I ain't holding my breath, but at least in the freaking future. The guy in the back? That's a good day. You run a taxi around this city enough, you start figuring out just how the fuck mean people can get. I've had nice old ladies that should've been offering me cookies or something, throwing swears at me that would even make my tongue taste kinda foul after I was done with 'em. But, you know, whatever, old ladies - old people in general kind of freak me out, so more power to them for speeding up that whole dying process.

I get two more of these, right?

A fuck. Just a fuck, man. Which, I'm a dude, as you might have noticed, and any guy'll tell you straight up that it's one of the things he's looking forward to the most, gay or straight or whatever other orientations the word's cooking up. Sex is on people's minds something like... what, every ninety seconds? Or something like that? Half that if you're a guy? I think I read that somewhere. So yeah, that's big on the menu. Probably would have been first if I wasn't doing this with some Indian guy muttering in my back seat.

Which brings me to my third want in the near future, a fucking Twinkie. Which sounds naughty, coming after the sex thing, but I'm just hungry. All I've had all day's a pack of Camels and a freaking Coke, so.

Food, sex, and a break. I do not ask for much. I could be yammering on about world peace right now, or some big thing about me wanting to be a kajillionaire - how many zeroes would a kajillion be? Ninety? - but, God? If you are up there, listening, rather than beating your Barbie dolls against some more walls and laughing at them? I don't ask for much. This isn't a freaking plea to end wars in Vietnam or whatever. It's just a fucking snack craving. I'll get less disappointed if I'm asking for, you know, a small snack cake, rather than, oh, I don't know, saving thousands of lives. Don't know which one you prefer, Big Man.

Although if you could do a world a favor and help out with that last bit. Think at least somebody'd appreciate it.

083. TEN happiest moments of your life, in order from least to greatest.

[01] Pretty much... anything that came before getting that goddamn induction letter.

[02] Actually hitting that shot in the window with the golf ball. How much do I kick ass?

[03] Getting up the nads (no pun intended) (okay, pun totally fucking intended) to knee Fred Holter in the nuts. Kid harassed me practically every day of kindergarten, man, it was time to get revenge.

[04] Two words: pink punch.

[05] Actually taking the incentive - for once, I know, right? - to study for a Trig test over at Princeton. Spent all night studying for that freaking thing. And I aced it. Suck on that, college.

[06] Second time I had sex. Not the first, mind you, because that was the typical, awkward, fumbling, swearing, knocking over lamps kind of sex. Second time, though, you're a little practiced, you know? And not doing anything earlier than you're hoping to? So, yeah, it was a lot more fun.

[07] Figuring out my landlord is one of the hottest frigging chicks in all of New York.

[08] While we're on that subject, first night I moved to the Big Apple. Place seemed like something so damn unreal, I was excited out of my mind. Little kid in a candy store, am I right?

[09] Becoming a big brother for the first time. Even if the sister did have the chubbiest cheeks you'd ever seen in your life. No, really, though, I was only a year old, 'rents had just come home, and I got to hold the pipsqueak's hand. I felt so proud.

[10] Night I met Jude.

081. TEN most frightening moments of your life.

[1] Getting drafted
[2] Getting the gun
[3] Getting the ammo
[4] Getting shot at
[5] Getting bombed at
[6] Gett

Yeah, fuck that list.


082. TEN things that make your day better!
[01] Jude
[02] Twinkies
[03] A nice, cold beer
[04] Cream's Disraeli Gears album
[05] Jude
[06] The first cigarette in the morning
[07] Sex, of most of any type, shape or form
[08] A joint and Pink Floyd's Ummagumma album
[09] The smell of charcoal
[10] Jude